Since my favorite leather jacket
Was finally ripping apart at the seams,
I decided to go down to the Auldrant Thrift Store,
And find me a new replacement.
Hangers clacked and rattled
As I zinged coat after coat down the rod.
Then I saw it--a strange sort of trench coat.
Blue with stylish white stripes,
Shiny gold buttons and a fancy buckled belt
Like what you expect to see
On an old time sea captain
Or maybe even a Napoleonic colonel.
Not sure about the winglike flaps in back,
But I decided to get it anyway.
Some moron had priced it at ten bucks.
Since it was a white tag special,
I only got it at five bucks
With just thirty cents tax.

Once outside, I slip it out.
A perfect fit; I felt great.
My stride lengthened, my back straightened out.
The very cut of this eccentric jacket
Put me into control.
I felt more determined,
More confident--a man of destiny,
Rather than the pathetic loser
Of previous years,
When kids poked fun of me
Because of my long pointed nose
And stringy, scraggly,
mouse-brown hair.

But as I past the video store,
A voice rang down from the sky.
"Jade!  Jaaaade!"
I stopped and turned slowly around
As this albino clown guy
Floated down in this flying chair.
"So we meet once again, Jade," he drawled,
With a gleeful gin.
"Dude, I'm not Jade," I said.
"But this time..."
"Hello, hello, can you hear me?"
"It will be me who triumphs instead..."
"Uhh, you got the wrong guy."
Finally, I had just about enough.
"SHUT UP!" I cried. "JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!"
He recoiled and looked confused.
Stabbing a finger at his tiny nose,
I shouted, "I"M NOT JADE!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN A JADE!
AND I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO IS!"
Wiping the froth from my mouth,
I continued, "IF YOU EVER, EVER
COME AROUND CALLING ME
BY THAT NAME AGAIN;
SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL RIP OFF
ALL THOSE DAISY  PETALS OF YOURS,
AND SHOVE THEM UP
WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!"
And while he spluttered; a
Bright blush warming his paleness;
I spun on my heel, and
Continued on my merry way.